Disney takes you back into Jack and the Beanstalk, Little Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, and Rapunzel—all at the same time. But this time, it’s …a little different.

Alright.

This extremely complex blend of different stories was amazing.

But let’s start by saying- I hated how this was done.

Yes, a musical is classic Disney, but for this film, I just couldn’t get into it. I guarantee many people will disagree with me.

But here’s the deal.

While the songs were beautiful (some of them), and admittedly some weren’t, most fit in quite well with each other. The story didn’t come out as strong as it could have if it were just a simple film. Now, don’t get me wrong—the musical numbers fit in perfectly with what was going on, and sometimes even connected to a previous or future event that would change how you felt about the song. But still, with the potential and risks they took in making this film, I actually think it would have worked much better as just a straightforward film.

Let me explain this film to people who didn’t really understand it or those who don’t know every story taking place in this clusterfuck of amazing planning and collaboration.

I’ll start by explaining who’s who and what’s what. Then I’ll explain how they connected them all.

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Cinderella

First, we’re introduced to the story of Cinderella, where we get a basic setup of who’s who.

Our first character is Cinderella, played by Anna Kendrick, who starts off as the Cinderella we all once knew and loved as kids. You know the deal—three evil stepsisters, or, to better fit this film, three bitch stepsisters, and one who’s somewhat less horrible than you might expect. Of course, she has her moments of pure stupidity, pure ignorance, and pure “normalcy,” but that won’t distract from the fact that, as usual, she’s a terrible parental figure. Cinderella, in this case, is the 5th wheel—laughed at and bossed around like she was born from a garbage pile.

Cinderella’s Connection (How It’s Connected)

This is going to be confusing, so bear with me. It’s tough to explain since so many things are connected to her and everyone else.

Cinderella connects to Little Red Riding Hood by being an “ingredient” in order to create their potion (I’ll explain later). They need from Cinderella a golden shoe, which she obtains from her mother. Now, her mother’s dead, but she goes to the tree where her mother was buried, and apparently, from crying so much, she’s able to create an enormous motherfucking tree that looks nothing like any other tree around. But this is Disney, so let’s not talk logic. Anyway, from this tree, Cinderella asks her mother if she can go to the ball, and she magically (literally) returns after being tornadoed by leaves, creating her awesome transition into a dress and golden shoes. (Explained more in Little Red Riding Hood’s section.)

As for everyone else (story-wise), Cinderella is pretty loosely connected. But throughout the film, you’ll see her become relevant in small ways that connect her to other stories.

She connects to Jack and the Beanstalk by being the smart person to throw a magic bean onto the ground. Since it’s magic, clearly, it doesn’t need water or anything to grow (how did they even grow in the first place?). Once again, Disney. This magic disaster results in a secondary beanstalk, and the wife of the husband (who, if you know the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, dies by falling from the stalk because Jack cuts it down) comes down from her castle to find Jack—and, I’m assuming, kill him, even though we don’t actually know that for sure. (Explained more in Jack’s section.)

She doesn’t really have anything to do with Rapunzel, which I thought was odd.

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Jack and the Beanstalk

Next, we pan over to another beloved childhood story, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Here we have Jack, played by Daniel Huttlestone (completely neglecting to introduce the mother). Jack and the Beanstalk starts off as “normal” as you’d expect. Jack is a miserable little child, hoping to someday please his mother and being a curious kid who explores everything he desires.

Jack and the Beanstalk’s Connection (How It’s Connected)

Like every other story, Jack and the Beanstalk is connected closely with Little Red Riding Hood.

Jack obtains beans (yes, the magic beans) from the baker in exchange for his cow. Very specifically, HIS cow. He then goes back to his mother, thinking she’ll believe those are magic beans (why would anyone want magic beans anyway?). She smacks the beans from his hand, gives him a good smack upside the head, and sends him off to bed without dinner—most likely because they couldn’t even make dinner.

Morning comes, and the mother wakes up to a leaf smacking her for not believing her son.

Jack is also connected to Little Red Riding Hood (played by Lilla Crawford) because she dared him to go steal a lyre, which ended up being the reason the giant came down. Jack killed it, and the wife went on a rampage.

Once again, Jack is in no way connected to Rapunzel.

He also isn’t very connected to Cinderella, besides at the end.

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Little Red Riding Hood

Next, we get to a very interesting view of Little Red Riding Hood.

Here we have “Baker” (no name), played by James Corden, and his wife, “Baker’s Wife,” played by Emily Blunt. This is interesting because in the original story, we don’t know anything about these people’s personal lives, nor do we really care. But in Into the Woods, it’s ALL about them. I’d even say the entire film is basically about them.

Little Red Riding Hood’s Connection (How It’s Connected)

Now, here’s the fun part.

This is the core of the play/film, whatever you want to call it. This is what ties everything together—who everyone is connected to, and why everything happens in the first place.

The Baker and his wife want to have a child, but there’s a tiny little pickle that slightly stands in the way.

The Baker’s cursed.

Or more specifically, his house is cursed. (Which brings me to a problem. If they’d just moved…? He would’ve been able to have a child, because if you remember, the witch cursed not him, but his house. #Disneylogic).

This witch, I just mentioned, goes by the name of… Are you ready?

“Witch,” played by Meryl Streep. She’s cursed the Baker’s house, preventing them from having children. This curse was placed because the Baker’s father (who’s also just called Father, played by Simon Russell Beale) ventured into the Witch’s garden because his wife wanted some berries or some shit and got caught. But, because the Witch wasn’t totally evil (she really wasn’t), she let him go in exchange for their child. Which seems like the dumbest trade I’ve ever heard of. It’s like trading a cow for beans. Shots fired.

BUT here’s where it gets funky.

The Witch offers to remove the curse IF they retrieve a random-ass list of things.

1. A cow as white as milk.
2. A cape as red as blood.
3. A hair as yellow as corn (not sure why it’s “a hair”).
4. A slipper as pure as gold.

They must bring these things back before the moon turns blue, or the curse won’t be lifted, and they won’t ever have children. They find the magic beans in the father’s jacket pocket (important).

So here’s how this works:

The cow is from Jack (obviously).

It’s hilarious how he gets it. Actually, it’s funny how he gets any of these things.

This brings us to why he trades the magic beans to Jack.

As for the cape, here’s where Little Red Riding Hood starts to make sense. Little Red Riding Hood is walking to her grandma’s to give her some bread and cookies when she meets… you guessed it.

Yes.

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Wolf

“Wolf,” played by Johnny Depp. Wolf, pedophilically stalks Little Red, singing his merry songs about wanting to consume her flesh while leading her off her designated path to Grandma’s house. Later on, when Little Red finally arrives at Granny’s (it’s obvious what’s going to happen), the Wolf devours her right after the second question. Let’s face it, who’s got time for all that better to eat you with shit when food’s a-waitin’?

Then the “Hunter” (in this case, the conveniently passing Baker) hears her screams, comes in man-mode with a knife, slices the Wolf open, and rescues her (this is how he gets the cape, by the way). Little Red Riding Hood’s song about being trapped in the Wolf’s stomach is one of my favorite short ones.

The hair is THE ONLY THING CONNECTED TO RAPUNZEL.

The wife on the journey back home (she doesn’t get more than five steps before she’s distracted again) comes across the two princes—one is Rapunzel’s Prince (still no name), played by Billy Magnussen, and Cinderella’s Prince, played by Chris Pine. They have a conversation in the woods about a girl in a tower with hair as yellow as corn. Not going to spoil this one because it’s important.

And finally, the shoes.

Which obviously come from Cinderella.

Not much to explain here besides she gets a shoe.

BUT that’s not all in Miss Bitches—I mean Baker’s connection to Cinderella.

Oh no.

She connects intensely.

And passionately.

And because of it, she dies. Which, honestly, is good riddance on so many levels.

There’s a point in the song where it’s just like, “I hope you die.”

But I’ll let you judge her.

Rapunzel (The Forgotten)

And FINALLY, we have Rapunzel, played by Mackenzie Mauzy, who doesn’t get a fancy upbeat song of joy. Instead, she’s introduced later (and doesn’t even get a song! 🙁 )

I’m not making a section for her involvement because she isn’t connected to anyone.

Like, ever.

Except, of course, as I’ve already said, Little Red Riding Hood. Where she was not only the sister of the Baker (who nobody cared about, apparently, because they NEVER bothered to tell him) but also the hair provider.

Her contribution to the film/play, while somewhat useless, added nothing to the story and even held it back.

Her connection to Cinderella was so minor it didn’t mean anything. She was the wife of Billy (the first prince I mentioned) who was blinded by the Witch and somehow cured of Rapunzel’s tears. #Disneylogic

Funny Moments in the Film Include:

1. Cinderella finds out she was cheated on by her beloved with Baker’s wife and doesn’t give a flying fuck.
2. Jack’s mother runs to him, crazy that there’s a giant motherfucker dead in her backyard, and Jack doesn’t care at all.
3. The Witch turns herself mortal and immediately regrets it about 10 minutes later.
4. Jack pulls a David and Goliath move with a tiny-ass rock and kills the giant with a blow to the head.
5. The Stepmother literally chops off her daughter’s heel and toes to make them fit into the slipper.
6. Cinderella gets stuck in some kind of adhesive and time stops long enough for her to… a. Sing an entire song, b. Contemplate life, c. Become a responsible adult, d. Plan exactly what she’s going to do by moving the objects in the stopped-time thing.

If you like Disney and fantastically weird, oddly good and bad versions of stories, give this film/play a watch!