When a mans got nothing else to do, he beats people up for you.

Wild Card is a simplistic and generically made film about a man who works as a bodyguard and goes through multiple tests of decision-making skills, self-realization, and a memory we will never understand.

Nick Wild (Jason Statham) is our main character. Nick has this very odd skill: whenever he drinks or is about to kick some ass, he suddenly remembers a past memory about himself on a boat. ASSUMING it was his wife/girlfriend, we can FURTHER ASSUME that this is the reason he fights in general. Although, to be fair, it’s pretty fantastic to turn into a super fighting machine whenever that skill is activated.

Obviously, Nick hates his job.

I mean, wouldn’t you, if you could beat the shit out of seven men at the same time, kill six using a spoon and a butter knife, slash someone’s head open with a credit card, and then knock someone the fuck out just by throwing it at their head?

Cyrus Kinnick (Michael Angarano) is the movie’s hangman, if you will. Cyrus has been basically stalking Nick for a questionably long time, all because he wants to learn how not to be a pussy.

To CONQUER HIS FEARS OF BEING AFRAID.

I mean, if you could come up with a better role for a side character with a major/minor 30-minute screen time arc,

please.

attempt.

Sadly, Cyrus never truly learns how to conquer his fear, but instead conquers his inner stupidity by making a fool out of himself—which, ironically, gives him the courage to continue making a fool of himself in the future. (Nice distraction as well.)

Nice job, Nick. Insert thumbs up here.

But first!

Let’s not forget the stroll down Feels Lane!

Holly (Dominik García-Lorido)—who, by the way, was quite gorgeous (and not too bad on the acting)— played a “Lady of the night”

She took Nick by the balls (pun intended) and made him find and “soften” the thugs that abused her so she could have her sweet revenge.

Which consisted of almost chopping off a man’s genitals with enormous garden shears.

Almost.

You can breathe now, guys.

After that, she had no more use for him and peaced the **** out.

Those were the three major characters in this whole movie.

Everyone else was either minor or a “character developer,” which is debatable.

If you have any questions about anything that wasn’t explained in the movie, I literally have no idea.

• His memories made no sense.
• His random luck in gambling made no sense.
• His background in fighting made no sense.
• His friends had nothing to do with anything, ever.

This movie was quite stupid.

On a side note, the action scenes are pretty awesome.